Eat & Box Corporate™ has announced that once again all its franchised locations West of the Eastern Seaboard will stay open 24 hours during the Thanksgiving holiday.

When confused workers asked when the 24 hour shifts began—midnight Thursday or Noon Thursday—they were told by Corporate in a blunt Corporate Email™, “both.”

The Special Only At Thanksgiving Menu At Eat & Box™ once again boasts these Holiday Favorites™:

Order by their nicknames or acronyms, which ever you can remember:

1. The Grater™ (grated cheese on slightly molasses-glazed Mincemeat donuts)
2. Mincemeat Pie-lets™ (suitable for “One Quick Bite™”)
3. RFYS™: Recently Frozen Yogurt Shapes™ (unflavored fun yogurt animal shapes [giraffe, bee, platypus, meercat] on sticks)
4. TFB™: Turkeyesque Flavor Bytes™ (turkey-flavored crackers with melted Mincemeat shavings)
5. SCRAP™ –Sparkling Crepe Reminiscent of Antipasto (honey toasted pork rinds with Italian seasoning; one portion=dozen ‘Rinds™)

And remember the Eat & Box™ Pledge™:

“We will eat and we will box and we will be satisified™”

Not!

Those crazy guys at Eat n’ Box™ are actually opening two drive-thru Eat n’ Box™ franchises on the bleak periphery of town in order to increase the number of restaurants to an even 313.

More details to follow, but plans are to open the weekend of July 4th in order to take advantage of the patriotic fervor accompanying the new Mike Huckabee Combo meal: rice pudding mixed with snow peas and unpitted dates. At $2.99 you can be sure this will be a must-stop item for the discriminating Findlay crowd!

In the wake of Starbucks’ decision to stop selling coffee and to rely on retail sales of its patented “warming sleeve” to sustain its growth, Eat n’ Box™ has announced it will forego selling its own popular in-house drink, “the Zanzibar” (which consists of two parts frozen cranberry juice, three parts vinegar, one part hydrogen peroxide), in favor of a new drink made entirely of freshly-squeezed pork jowl. The new drink, served hot and cold in multi-colored containers shown above, will be christened, “the Porkster.” Taste-testers agreed it faintly but pleasantly reminds them of “what’s left in the back of your throat after repeated vomiting,” but could go well “if served with fish or squash.” It will debut at $1.19 plus tax at all Corpus Christi locations.

You asked for it, now you got it. Introducing:

The new AM Tot Meals™ Menu.

For months we have been waiting to announce our movie tie-in to The Bucket List, starring the inimitable Sean Hayes (a differently posed action figure of Sean in every box) and now, with TBL in nationwide release, we are proud to reveal our list of tasty new items.

1. First off, a time-tested favorite for all ages: the patented “Made for Morning”™ broasted piglet. Stewed overnight in their our Special Recipe Broth™, these baby pig feet may look uncooked, but, trust us: they’re 100% broasted. Don’t let those tv and newspaper editorials convince you otherwise.

2. Second, have you ever seen giant peas sprinkled lightly with chartreuse confectioner’s sugar arranged so attractively as a morning drive-thru treat? The kids love’em, pop’em in their mouth like pebbles, and will keep asking you for more! But remember they have to be at school by 8AM and we usually run out by 10:00 AM.
3. Thirdly, what about these sweet babies here? No, they’re not really babies (that is against the law), but carefully reconstructed beef lips that look like raw salmon, but have half the calories yet, according to one carefully crafted survey of 16 seniors, 2 accountants, and 12 4th graders, twice the flavor of pork rind or chicken gizzards. Munch’em, Crunch’em, or just Smell’em, it’ll seem like you’ve been eating cotton candy the whole day.
4. Finally, who knows better than Eat n Box™ how to prepare those icky, slimy green things that kids, wink-wink, think are “Worms.” Here they won’t be able to tell the difference, and neither will you! All orders topped with our patented™ Artificially Sweetened Natural Margarine-Based Cottage Cheese n’ Cherry n’ Peach Cobbler.

Wash these down with a “Cup o’ Jo™” our Special Recipe Coffee Substitute™ that has twice the caffeine but none of the coffee (!). Dad, mom, or dad and mom’s special friend, you’ll love this patented™ coffee-flavored laxative. Sip it all morning and you’re set (or “re-set”) for at least a day and a half!

As always, all of our drive-thru meals come with our patented™ Tak-hom-a-Punch™ guarantee. If our drive-thru attendant doesn’t pinch, slap, bite, or poke a kid of your choice, one of your meals (the lowest menu price) is free at your next visit.

That’s the Eat n’ Box™ Promise.*

*Not valid at the McKinney, TX franchise.

The day had to come.

The McKinney store is about to open. Applications are now being taken and interviewing will begin soon. We like a lead time of about 6 months. Cooks, waiters, greeters, referees, and ring announcers are invited to supply a phone number and mug shot. No one with a college education need apply; we prefer those who have lived in the real world most of their lives. Who else is better equipped to take care of customers who come to Eat and Box to eat and to box? That diploma of yours looks good on the wall, but can you call a TKO in the midst of confusion over who ordered the Coconut Cabbage flapjacks? We employ more GEDs than all other American restaurants combined!

All of our managers have grown up on the wrong side of the tracks, and we wouldn’t change a thing. They represent the kind of down home pen-in-the-pocket-of-reality folks who run Eat and Box with a passion and grit that cannot be explained by footnotes, survey instruments, fancy dinner napkins, and menus with raised lettering too cute to laminate. We won’t ask you how your meal was; if you stagger out, punch drunk but assured that the three-person fight scorers did their job, that’s thanks enough for us. You’ll be back. Oh you’ll be back all right.

Our staff is proud of its record of 37 consecutive days (Willow, AK branch) without a single case of food poisoning. This creates the kind of collaborative dedication that breeds a hardy bond of secret handshakes and a unique heritage of “having your back” that the Better Business Bureau knows nothing about. We don’t share our public health records with anyone, and if we did, it wouldn’t be you. Our dishwashers rank in the national top ten every year in deploying soap concentration per dish. If you don’t taste a little detergent with your eggs and marshmellow, wouldn’t you wonder about our commitment to cleanliness? Oooo, take that Howard Johnson’s.

When the McKinney doors do open, we expect to see our good friends and neighbors there, ready to digest and contest. Remember our patented slogan™ , “If you don’t eat here, what’s wrong with you?” Thousands will find out, and plenty soon.

Look for our Grand Opening, May 17th. A special guest celebrity will be there for the ribbon cutting. Shush–don’t tell anyone who’s going to be there!

Eat n’ Box is always open. That’s our pledge.

If our driveway and parking lot are not cleaned off from snow, sleet, hail, or freezing rain, that’s ok, because we have Our Patented™ No Stranded Policy.

If you get stuck on your way or after you arrive at Eat n’ Box, we guarantee that you will get your meal–and a fight before the tow trucks come. That’s because of Our Patented™ First Punch Policy. You don’t even have to get out of your car. Just roll down your window, and your order and the first punch are yours.

Our Patented™ No Job Left Behind Policy means if our employees (cooks, waiters, cashiers, greeters) go home early on a bad weather day, or fail to arrive at work at all, we fire them immediately and replace them with undocumented workers who will do what we say. That’s our pledge.

So when you wake up on a snowy day and wonder, “I wonder if Eat n’ Box is open?” just remember Our Patented™ No Close Policy. We dare our managers to close.

In fact, if you ever come to a closed Eat n’ Box, and have digital photos to prove it (accompanied by a signed affadavit from a verified notary that confirms that you arrived and there were no lights on, the doors and restrooms locked, and no scheduled fights), we’ll give you Our Patented™ First Fork-Full Free certificate, valid at your next visit in the lower 48 states, and soon to be available during summer months in Hawaii and Alaska.

Always open. That’s Our Patented™ Pledge that We Have Pledged.

Phorensics McCallahan (artist’s rendition)

Phorensics McCallahan was named Eat & Box’s Employee of the Month for October.

A cut doctor from Tarzana, CA, McCallahan openly denies even working at Eat & Box.

A clause in the Eat & Box bylaws, Code 12-gjs, however, states that any published Employee of the Month ruling shall stand, regardless of any conspiracy surrounding it.

This is due to the overwhelming belief in doing things right the first time, which is Code 19d: Never shall Eat & Box admit their mistakes because, Frank Lee (content specialist) — he doesn’t make mistakes.

McCallahan is putting the bylaws to the test by not only not working at Eat & Box, but by pretending to work there in full-time capacity to his friends.

James Cameron (artist’s rendition)

James Cameron, Hollywood filmmaker and friend of Phorensics, doesn’t see the big deal.

“He’s kind of annoying, even. He’ll talk about this eye that fell out of a socket one fight and how he sewed it back in, but accidentally sewed a button where the eyelid should be, making it a lot of work for the guy to open and close his eye now.

“Then we’ll cast doubt on his story and he’ll say, ‘I can prove it! But not right now! I gotta go to work for 8 straight hours, again, for the 5th time this week!’…Then he goes home to play Snooker on his Dell desktop against online opponents. I’ve seen his avatar, a rhino with a pelican coming out of its back.”

Actual, real picture of McCallahan’s avatar

Bruse Larko, founder of Eat & Box, stands by his decision to make McCallahan Employee of the Month.

“It’s an open and shut case. Alejandro didn’t have what it took to be an Eat & Box Employee of the Month. Apparently, all it takes is skill in Microsoft Office. Or maybe not even the whole suite; maybe just the Word part of it would have been enough.”

Alejandro was unavailable for comment.