Step right down to your local Eat n’ Box, and enjoy our special World Series themed delights! For a very short time at cooperating Eat n’ Box franchises (many in outlying areas, including Canada itself, refuse to cooperate), you can learn the secret of all five of our robust Grande Rosterfarian™ cuisine–”Where the Cold Winds Blow the Bratwurst Breeze of Canadian Tranquility and Sacks of Grain . . .”™

1. Prince Fielder Giant Colossal Really Fat Tube Steaks™ with Crushed Sea Urchins
2. Michael Young Teeth Marked Cabbage Legs, deep fried in Octopus Ink Oil™
3. Justin Verlander Mystery Soup Mix Packets™ (take them home and mix with hot grease on your very own stove!)
4. Albert Pujols “Pool Holes” Smack Filled with Meringue and Bamboo™
5. Jhonny Peralta JohnnySticks™ (straws filled with ketchup and birch syrup)

All are $0.99, only at the drive-thru, and only between Midnight and 6AM. Offer lasts until October 1st. Hurry!

As come near to the end of the beginning of the start of summer, it’s time for Eat and Box to release its FallMenuStravanganza™! When other chains are putting their Summer menus of potato salad milk shakes and asparagus juice bourbon cocktails away, we’re just getting started! Why start something the public clamors for just as it’s ending? Fire in the hole!

it’s the sizzling sound of the Fall Sub-summeramaSpringMenuStravanga Sensations™ menu.

New™ @ Eat & Box™ this week for adults and children accompanied by their pets:

Floured Pumpkin Mash

Crepe Louisiana Tech

Boston Creme Souffle

Illinois Lettuce Sandwich Supreme

Button Lasanga Pie.

Each special item comes in three sizes: Cramped™, Cluttered™, and Confined™. And our patented Buy-Four-Get-Five-Free-Take-Home-For-Freezing™ Pack in the conveniently packaged Annual Crypt of Fun™ Value Pak.

Hurry On In: remember, “it’s never too late for Eat and Box,” because we’re open and closed everyday till 5AM.

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*Offers No Longer Good in Kalispell, Montana, due to pending law suite in Gerald County District Court. We deny all charges. Is it Suite or Suit™?

Yes, my friends, Eat and Box™ is back and better than ever, with a new menu, and a new board of directors, and, ahem, a new, vibrant CEO—yours truly, Itzo J. Facto. (Yes, I hale from the Middle East—the middle east suburbs of Northern New Jersey, ha, ha.)

Yes, we’ve returned from bankruptcy and retreated from our rapid expansion plans of the 1980s and 90s, in order to grow the Eat and Box brand in selected new states and cities.

Our latest franchise has been awarded to Cherry Creek, CO! Watch for their grand opening! And our new slogan: Eat and Box, Where the Bread is Always Sliced in Half, Free!™

Meanwhile, watch for these exciting Menu Innovations™:

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Eat for Two!™

Ever get a sandwich that was too small for you and your large appetite? Now our “Eat for Two!™” menu will stave off that feeling of being understomached and/or underfed. Announcing three new GiganticSledgeHammer™ sandwiches, each buttered on both sides of either (1) the Extra-non-gluten Wafer Thin Bread™ (so thin you can’t taste it, or your money back!) or (2) the hyper-gluten So-Pita™ bread (twice as much gluten as our non-gluten bread):

• Lettuce Entertain You™: the sandwich comprised of Only Head Lettuce™
• Beanzapoppin™: the sandwich that takes Navy Beans to a New Level™: overcooked navy beans on a thin bed of mesquite-smoked chipotle-tossed scallions
• Basil You Say?™: cravings for an all-basil sandwich? (w/basil boiled in a secret sauce we make everyday from scratch—but blindfolded, so that no one knows the secret?) Yup, we have it, per usual! Be the first in your “tribe”* to try it!

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*Not in any way an intentional reference either to American Indian cuisine (is there one?), nor to the extra-spicy menu sometimes “cooked up” by our well-meaning south Asian friends, who live a long, long way away from here!

In a badly worded press release, PR Officer, JaKonkee Maisonnette, announced today that the restaurant formerly known as “Eat & Box,” would now be called, “Box & Eat.” As the document explains:

America has spoken and clearly prefers to box before they eat, hence the name change. All entering patrons will now be invited directly to the ring, with those patrons judged victorious accompanied by a nurse or doctor post-fight, who will take their order, promptly delivered to their hospital suite within ten minutes of the bout’s final bell.

When asked if this would not reduce drive-in traffic and perhaps eliminate altogether what is quaintly known as “family dining,” Maisonnette shrugged, “I just work here.” One other immediate change: the menu will be reduced to three food items and two drink options.

FOOD
1. Fried carrot cake
2. Tossled ham w/peanut butter
3. Goat cheese with sauteed broccoli hearts

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DRINK
1. Cactus juice with raw onion
2. Onion juice with raw cactus.

When asked if this would not reduce greatly the number of patrons who were admittedly fond of the previous menu, Maisonnette shrugged, “I just work here.”

There was no word on whether the ambitious 127 franchise store expansion currently underway in Canada, Mexico, and Thailand, would be accelerated or forgotten about entirely.

When asked if the program’s sudden cessation would not create a tax credit imbalance between Asia and North America, leading to floods, tsunamis, and more movies by Roland Emmerich, Maisonnette shrugged, “I just work here.”

When it was pointed out that the press release also included a tacit admission coded in braille that Maisonnette himself was being sacked, Maisonnette shrugged, “I just don’t work here.”

S – S – S

Hmmmmmm. What does that sound like to you?

Why it’s the sizzling sound of the Summer Summerama Sensations™ menu, New™ @ Eat & Box™!

Your big three summer favorites are back, with a vengeance! — Sardines, Sauerkraut, and Saltines, and you can mix and match.

What says SUMMER! more than (1) Sardines on Saltines

(2) Sauerkraut Soup

& The all-time summer flavor treat for your kiddies: (3) Sardine Soup with Saltines Smothered in Sauerkraut Sauce?

Each are now only $2.99, delivered hot and cold in Eat & Box’s patented, well known Flask Box™.

For more history of Eat & Box, visit our showroom.

Drive through today, and don’t forget our slogan: You Can’t Eat What You Can’t See!™

Eat & Box™’s annual Christmasarama™ is right around the corner. Staged every year at precisely midnight on Dec. 25th, all Eat & Box™ stores will be open for 24 hrs., pleasing both our staff and our customers with a unique combination of thrift and calories!

Our patented Christmasarama™ menu:

1. Pan-fried Duck Feet™ w/ Insect-free™ Dipping Sauces
2. Spicy Potato Frosted Wafer Flakes™ w/1% Milk
3. Pickled Brussell Sprouts on Toast™
4. Pork Rind Soup
5. Delicious™ Licorice and Tobacco Parfait*

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*Not sold to Tots Kids Children’s Club™ members under 12. Unless accompanied by parent.